Day 1 - 1411 words in 3 hours - notes in main journal

She never really knew her mother. That is to say, she doesn't remember her much at all. She has a vague memory; her mother singing, her mother's hair blowing in the breeze as the sunlight back lit her frame, blocking out all features. When she was a bit older, she saw pictures of her mother, she even had one by her bed. It was a family picture; her mother, her father and her, all smiling for the camera. She was almost two in that picture. She still keeps that picture wherever she goes. It helps to remind her of where she comes from.

Time has passed now, so much time, she can't believe how long it's been and how far she's come, how far the world has come. The world is a totally different place than when she was a child, yet it's finally the world she thought it was then. She was not surprised when the change occurred, it seemed like it was a long time coming, but the time was finally right. She took a deep breath, it was almost time.

*****

Her mother died when she was three, she doesn't remember when they told her, she just remembers the day: her aunt came over & spent the day playing with her. Her aunt seemed a little sad at the time, so she remembers trying to put on a show for her. She dressed up in her feather boa & her play high-heeled shoes with her big, floppy easter hat that she picked out herself. She danced & told jokes. To end the show, she started singing the song her mom used to sing to her. Her aunt really started to cry then. She thought that it was because she messed up in the middle.

“Don' cwai Ana Beth. Mommy'll hep me 'membew when she gets home,” she said in her 3-year-old drawl using her “big girl” words. Her aunt just smiled & wiped away the tears, but they never seemed to stop.

Two days later, they put her mother in the ground. She gave her mom her blanket & her favorite bear to take to Heaven with her. She finally understood what was going on. It was just her & her dad.

A few weeks later, she was in tears as she left her Sunday School classroom. They had moved far away from the rest of her family so that her dad could take a better job. She hated the new place with all the fury that a 3- almost 4-year-old could muster.

“What's wrong, sweetie?” her father questioned as she stormed out of the room with tears streaming down her face.

“I HATE IT HERE!” she yelled as she started to storm off toward the door. “I want to go HOME!” Her father grabbed her by the shoulders and stopped her retreat.

“We can go in just a second, honey, but you have to tell me what happened, “ he replied, squatting down to get on eye-lever with the squirming child.

“First everyone was talking about how great their mom is and how they got really cool stuff for her for today. Then the teacher asked me what I got for my mom. When I said that my mom is with Jesus, Tommy Gilbert started laughin' at me and callin' me a weirdo. When I told him I wasn't a weirdo, he just laughed again an' started singin' 'weirdo, weirdo, your momma had a beard-o.' That's when I got up and slapped him in the mouth.” She took a deep breath. “The next thing I knew, Miss Helen had me standing in the corner while Tommy was taken to the toy room. It's just not fair, daddy! I don't have a momma here so I get put in the corner while Tommy gets to go play with the toys!” She was bawling and collapsed into a heap in her father's arms. Her father scooped her up and started to comfort her.

“There, there,” he soothed as he smoothed her hair and patted her back. “It'll be alright.”he said as he started to wipe away her tears. “Let's go talk to mean 'ol Miss Helen and see what's going on.”

“Oh, dear,” Miss Helen sighed as Jessie & her daddy approached, “I do believe it's my fault.”

Miss Helen explained that they were having a class discussion about Mother's Day & that Tommy Gilbert started acting up right after they started. She had called Mister Jameston in there to help her keep control of the boys since Tommy seemed to set all of the boys off. When it was Jessie's turn to speak, Tommy was really amped up and would barely sit still. When Jessie said that her mommy had gone to Heaven to be with Jesus, Tommy jumped up and told the class that there was a girl in his class at school that had two daddies & that his daddy had said that anyone who didn't have both a mommy & a daddy was weird. When Tommy started to call Jessie weird and sing the chant that he made up, all of the boys and some of the girls started to join in. While Miss Helen and Mister Jameston tried to get the class to calm down, Jessie got up, walked over to Tommy Gilbert and punched him in the nose. As soon as Tommy saw the blood on his shirt, it was all over. Tommy started to bawl his eyes out when he saw the blood on his shirt. When Miss Helen took Jessie to the corner, Mister Jameston took Tommy in the bathroom to clean him up. After Mister Jameston helped Tommy clean his face, Mister Jameston took Tommy into the hall to sit him there until Mister Jameston was able to go get Tommy's father.

“And now I feel a little guilty about it because the Sunday school board wanted to split the three-year-old class into girls and boys, but I didn't feel like it was necessary at this age, “ Miss Helen sighed. “I really should have listened to them. They thought that something like this would happen. But I thought that the boys would be cammed by the presence of the girls, most all the girls are so good, including your Jessie.” Miss Helen smiled a little at Jessie while Jessie wiped her nose with the back of her hand. “I'm sure Jessie never would have acted that way if Tommy Gilbert hadn't of started the whole thing. I swear, Tommy can be such a handful sometimes,” Miss Helen sighed again. “Unfortunately, I couldn't just let Jessie's behavior slide by. Not only was it not proper behavior for church, it also wasn't very lady-like behavior either.” Jessie's daddy chucked a little bit.

“Well, Miss Helen, I don't think that there was much more that you could have done,” Jessie's daddy said as he stood up. “I don't see anything wrong with what you did, but I did need to hear your side of the matter before I made a decision. Come on, Jessie, Let's go.” Jessie's daddy grabbed her hand and headed towards the door. Jessie tripped along behind her daddy while they walked towards the car.

“Am I in trouble?” Jessie asked as her daddy strapped her into her car seat.

“No, honey,” he replied. “You just need to make sure that you control your temper, that's all. The people in this city are different than the people in Oklahoma. They have a different set of expectations for little girls. When you're in this area, the people expect a little girl to act like a lady. That means that you can't punch little boys and you can't do cartwheels when you're in your dress either. You'll need to watch yourself out here, kiddo.” Jessie leaned her head back against the seat and sighed. She didn't like to hear about the things she couldn't do. Her daddy continued, “I know you don't like to hear all this, little one, but you'll understand all of this later. Right now, I want you to focus on having fun and being a kid, but there are still things you have to do,” Jessie's daddy looked at her in the rear view mirror and smiled. “I know it's not that important now, but you'll need to be ready when you start school here in a few weeks. Pay attention to your teachers, they'll teach you a lot.”